We've all heard the studies about the important role friendships play in our emotional and physical well-being. Most of us would agree that having a few good friends to whom we can turn in times of joy and sorrow, or even for simple distraction, is a real plus in life—and, at times, even necessary for our survival.
So how could friendship ever be a bad thing? Here are seven ways, each a good reason to move on from an unhealthy friendship:
1. They take and you give.
If over time you notice that the balance between giving and receiving leans heavily toward you giving, and your friendship rarely focuses on your needs, it's time to have a talk. If after making it clear that you want a more equal relationship it is obvious that you have become a permanent caretaker to your "friend," you can either charge professional fees or gracefully move on.
2. They do not support who you are.
Good-natured teasing is not unexpected in friendships, nor necessarily unwelcome, but when criticism and put-downs become a regular part of your conversations, it has stopped being a friendship that will enhance your emotional health. A friend's digs may be aimed at lowering your status in the relationship in order to elevate their own. This does even greater harm when it takes place in public. Speak up, tell your friend you want to be treated with respect, and if it is a person you would like to keep around, give him or her time to change. If the response to your request is more criticism, move on.
3. They cannot be trusted with your secrets.
A few proven trustworthy friends can be an essential part of a healthy life. This "circle of trust" is typically a small, hand-picked group that may need to be reevaluated from time to time based on your experience. Most of us also have several superficial friendships in which we share only things that are common knowledge and don't require much scrutiny, but those who get to hear our secrets must be true-blue and also be willing to trust you with their inner thoughts as well. Keeping in mind that human beings are imperfect and may slip up, if a friend does this more than once, or in a cruel fashion, you need to be honest about your hurt and disappointment and either end the friendship or shift it back to the superficial category.
4. They bring out the worst in you.
Some friends are just not well enough to be what you need them to be. When you have an emotional "growth spurt," you may find that your oldest friend isn't able to go along with you into a healthier future. They might actually prefer that you keep drinking; advise you to start dating only days after a separation; tell you to leave a relationship when you haven't even tried to work on it; or suggest that plastic surgery would be the solution to your low self-esteem. If it is time to let go, start bringing healthier friends into your life and gradually decreasing time with your old friend. You may end up influencing him or her in a positive way but keep in mind that we're unlikely to change anyone with advice or lectures.
5. They consistently disappoint you.
When a friend makes a plan with you where your expectation is a time for intimate sharing and catching up, and without warning they bring along another friend you don't know, it's a little upsetting but we can get over it. If they cancel plans for a great concert you were going to see together and take a date instead, you might be able to accept it, after some time talking and making amends. If they borrow money from you and then buy themselves a new jacket without paying you back, you may need to stop loaning money and seriously talk about your feelings. If episodes like all of the above are occurring with some regularity, you may get tired of expecting him or her to treat you with respect—and sick of requesting change with no results. This pattern is unlikely to change and it is time to move on and spend time with more reliable, considerate people.
6. They don't like or respect your spouse, child or family.
It is not easy to balance all of our important relationships and maintain healthy interactions with all of them. We rely on friends to help us see the other side of things and to listen to us when we need to complain about someone who is a challenge for us. Sometimes we appreciate someone who will agree with us that our partner is being unreasonable or pig-headed. If that friend goes further, though, with their own feelings of dislike for those we care about, trouble can begin. Friendships that start to separate us from those we love, either in how we spend our time or what we are comfortable talking about, may drain our energy rather than enhance our lives. A friend who is opposed to your choice of intimate partner may undermine that relationship, especially at vulnerable times. If this friend is only one of many who oppose the relationship you may need to be clear about the true source of your discomfort before you give up a friend you will regret losing in the future. But if the friend is speaking from his or her own insecurity, jealousy or just general meanness, you need to honor your primary relationship and focus on friends who support your choice.
7. Your friend wants a romantic relationship and you don't.
Many people try to maintain platonic relationships with previous or potential romantic partners. Rarely is this a workable arrangement. More often, it ends badly and with sometimes serious consequences. But this is a preventable problem when common sense prevails. When we are honest with ourselves, we can recognize the truth that one of the two friends is hoping the relationship will become more and hanging on until it does. Once attraction begins to surface, it becomes impossible to ignore and generally requires the end of a friendship. The best policy may be to keep the lovers of your past in your past. An exception might be after many years have passed without contact and both individuals are clear and secure with new committed partners. An additional condition would be that your current partner does not find it threatening and is included in social situations with this friend.
My personal experiences with friendship have been varied: As a young girl I saw friends in a self-centered way, as a means to social connection, not knowing how to share myself with them or be present for them. Fortunately, I was able to learn and grow in my understanding of the important role that deep, long-term friendships can play in a healthy life. My focus shifted from quantity of friends to quality—both in what I gave and what I hoped to receive.
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In addition to the love and connection I am blessed to enjoy with my family, I would now say that my friends provide a secure place for me to return to when I'm struggling, to consult with when I'm dreaming, and to celebrate when I'm flourishing. I truly hope that I do the same for them, and that you do for yours.
When they stop boosting your self-confidence and start picking away at it. When you feel like you can't tell them certain things because they'd either make fun of you or use that information against you. If your friend stops making you feel good about yourself, they are not your friend.What are at least 3 signs of an unhealthy friendship? ›
- insults or put-downs.
- lack of reciprocity.
- passive aggression or microaggressions.
- ignoring your boundaries.
- siphoning your energy, time, or resources.
When they stop boosting your self-confidence and start picking away at it. When you feel like you can't tell them certain things because they'd either make fun of you or use that information against you. If your friend stops making you feel good about yourself, they are not your friend.What are 3 signs of a toxic friendship? ›
- They disrespect your boundaries. ...
- They always need something from you. ...
- They don't take accountability. ...
- They may weaponize their struggles. ...
- They make you feel guilty for spending time with other people. ...
- They dismiss your values. ...
- They ignore your efforts to be a good friend to them.
You can exit the relationship for good if things have deteriorated to such an extent that it's detrimental to one or both of you. You can choose to take a break from one another while you work on the issues. Alternately, you can work on the issues together and try to address the toxicity in your relationship.What are 3 signs that indicate it's time to end a friendship? ›
- You're not a priority. You may notice that your friend doesn't make an effort to be with you. ...
- You don't connect at the same level. Friendships work best when both people want the same type of connection. ...
- You give more than you take. At times, one person may need more than the other.
Try to approach the person without anger or animosity. Though you may be upset, try not to judge, criticize, or yell at them. Tell them how you feel and try to keep the interaction peaceful. If they do become hostile, you don't have to engage.What are toxic friend behaviors? ›
Toxic friends, however, often present as selfish and challenging. They may struggle with healthy communication and become aggressive, passive-aggressive, or dismissive when they don't get what they want. They may also depend on you for validation or comfort, exhibiting a range of attention-seeking behaviors.What is the psychology of a toxic friend? ›
Those who try to maintain a toxic friendship will engage in self-gaslighting behaviors, denial, and even intellectualizing things by making excuses for their friend's bad behavior. Depending on how bad their toxic behaviors are, it might be time to distance yourself from the person or even end the friendship.How do you outsmart a toxic friend? ›
- Avoid playing into their reality. ...
- Don't get drawn in. ...
- Pay attention to how they make you feel. ...
- Talk to them about their behavior. ...
- Put yourself first. ...
- Offer compassion, but don't try to fix them. ...
- Say no (and walk away) ...
- Remember, you aren't at fault.
Some signs that it may be time to end a friendship include gossip, manipulation, or disrespecting boundaries. Most friendships drift apart naturally. But sometimes you have to take steps to break up. One way to do this is to communicate using “I” statements and say things like “I need a break.”When should you end a toxic friendship? ›
You find reasons to avoid spending time with a friend or wanting to cancel plans once they've been made. Your friend only seems to like you or want to spend time with you when they need something from you. Your friend tries to isolate you from other relationships in your life.How do you end a toxic friendship slowly? ›
- Start by slowly fading them out. If you were involved in an unhealthy situation, don't suddenly end the friendship. ...
- End it officially when the slow fade fails to work. ...
- Remove all sentimentality from the situation. ...
- Stay honest with yourself.
Signs of emotionally draining friendships
People who are surrounded by drama, constantly complaining, or are an emotional wreck may be all around you. They are the ones who seem to suck the energy out of you and leave you emotionally drained anytime you talk on the phone or spend time together.
Psychologist Şirin Atçeken says: “An unhealthy friend is someone who is never supportive and is maliciously competitive, or uses your success to get ahead themselves. Toxic individuals can also often lie to make themselves look better than others.What causes friendships to end? ›
The most common reason isn't tension; it's just that friendships fizzle out, both experts say. Friends move, get a new job, start a family and may just gradually stop talking to each other. One study found we lose about half our friends every seven years, Franco says.What are the signs of a unhealthy friendship? ›
- Overly competitive with you.
- Likely to encourage bad behaviors.
- Combative (like to start fights)
- Mean or degrading (make you feel bad)
- Prone to gossip.
- Likely to bully you or others.
A toxic friend, far from helping relieve stress, can add to it. They might say or do things that upset you when you spend time together, for example. Even when you aren't with them, you might spend a lot of time thinking back to your negative interactions, which can make you feel tense, irritable, even downright awful.What are unhealthy friendships? ›
Sometimes unhealthy friendships will involve mean or unkind behavior. For instance, your child's friend may be overly critical or talk badly about others. They also may laugh and make fun of other people for the way they dress, look, or act.What are toxic habits in friendships? ›
Toxic friends will make you feel bad, small, stressed, or uncared for in one way or another, whether it's through talking about you behind your back, subtle manipulation, codependence, or disregarding your feelings and experiences.